Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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