Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
