She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
