My Higher Power is John Stamos
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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