i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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