don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
