I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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