Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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