I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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