so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
