i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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