I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
