At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
