drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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