you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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