I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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