summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize