Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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