You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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