I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
