If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
