Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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