I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
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