Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
In America we eat man semen.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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