My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
