someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
