I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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