we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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