I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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