Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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