you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
