I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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