Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
