What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
