Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
