Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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