Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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