I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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