I'm gonna have a badass scar
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
