My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
