She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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