May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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