you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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