Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
