If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
