my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am mentally ready for anal.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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