the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
