this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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