So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
