And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We are all done wearing pants today
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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