too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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