You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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