Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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