it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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