My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
