Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
