Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
