I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
