I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Boobs are out for the taking
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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