last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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