you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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